Normal

Thank you to everyone who sent their prayers and good thoughts my way about the other day. I went to the doc today and found out nothing. What happened is simply the way my body ovulates...REALLY! The only way to get rid of the monthly pain is to take birth control, and quite frankly, I don't do birth control. For many reasons really but the main one is that I love my husband and when I am on birth control....well, I want to kill him or myself or anyone that comes near me. Other times my acne rears its ugly head (no pun intended) and then others, well, you don't need to know the side effects of those. Let's just say I don't fare well on the stuff and to be perfectly honest, my track record with pregnancies and the like has been pretty much what God wanted when He wanted it. SOOOOOO with that said, my body is out of my control. Lord willing I will have another baby, but if I don't, it will be because He chose it and I wasn't the one controlling the situation. Either way, I rejoice in knowing that He is the one in control!!

And that's my story.

Thanksgiving thoughts and concerns

So, here I sit on Thanksgiving evening. Chris is off at work, Katelyn is fast asleep and Laura is out enjoying a thanksgiving movie with her boyfriend Crash. I sit as I always do on the couch watching tv. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe is my choice tonight. I love this movie. It always reminds me to be soooo thankful for what our Lord and Savior did for us. What a sacrifice and one that is beyond comprehension most days. I mean really. It brings me to tears every time I let my brain wrap around the idea of what the Lord did for me, for us, for those that call Him King.

So what are you thankful for this day?

The list is broad and wide for me. But here are just a few:

-My Lord and Savior. Without Him...well, let's just not think about that.
-My amazing husband. All of our struggles and all of our heartache have just made me love him even more. He is the absolute best father to our little girl, he is an amazingly hard worker, devoted and loyal, so completely loving and my absolute best friend. How did I ever get so lucky?? Did I mention completely sexy to boot?! ;o)
-My beautiful and gregarious daughter. She is growing into an even sweeter girl each and every day. Her heart is so big and precious and I am thankful for that.
-My wonderful family. They always make me smile!
-This roof over our heads. Although it comes at a small humbling cost, it is home.
-The most amazing friends a girl could ask for. I love each one of you and count you as my sisters!
-The great opportunity to go back to school. This has been on my heart to do for a very long while and with His help, I will succeed and accomplish this goal He has set before me.

There is so much more I have to be thankful for but this is what's on my heart as of right now.



With all that I am thankful for, I still wonder at times about the things in life which we cannot change. I wouldn't bring this up on such a "thankful" day but there is a reason for my train of thought. You see, as we speak, I am sitting here on my couch in pain. Pain that I am not quite sure why it's here. This is not a foreign pain to me. In fact, it is one that I am all too familiar with. It has just come in different ways for me over the years. In 2004, it meant my first laproscopic procedure to remove ectopic number 1; in 2006 it meant my second lap procedure to remove ectopic number 2 and removal of my ruptured fallopian tube; in 2007 it meant 22 staples to remove ectopic number 3 on one remaining "good tube" and with that, a tremendously hard recovery; and in 2009 (january) it meant a miscarriage and ruptured ovarian cyst.

No I am not pregnant. No I am not having another ectopic pregnancy. HPT reveals quite the opposite. But what IS happening is not clear. All my self diagnosing research is telling me that I could be experiencing another ovarian cyst. The pain is tolerable, as I seem to have an incredible pain tolerance, so therefore I will not be heading to the ER again. I am not experiencing any abnormal bleeding (sorry for those that don't like TMI) so again no need for ER visit. But what IS in my immediate future is a nice little trip to exposing myself house of fun-MD. The wonderful Dr. Atkins. If it is a cyst and it hasn't ruptured, then I guess my body will just absorb it. If it has ruptured, then I guess my body will have to absorb it as well. I really don't know but honestly, and this is why its so much on my mind right now, I just really would like to NOT have female issues. We've been married since 2003 and starting in 2004, I have been to the hospital once a year having surgery except for 2008. Tiring....YES! Although I have come to terms will all the loss we have had, I still have the questions. Right or wrong they are still there.

-What is the purpose of all this?
-Is there an end in sight to all the "issues" I seem to have?
-What am I supposed to learn from all that has gone on? Cause if I had learned the lesson, wouldn't the "issues" be gone?
-Bring it on Lord if there is more for me to learn...speak and I will listen. Or is this my cross to bear?

All these questions, all this pain, I'm really just tired. Plain and simple. Tired and ready to move on.