2013

What will this new year bring? I am hoping that it will be exponentially better than 2012 and honestly, 2012 was one of the best ones yet. With the close of 2012, I am hopeful that the heartache that has plagued my family is that much farther behind us. I want 13 to be our lucky year. My expectations for this year are ones of hope, healing and renewal. I hope that we can grow more as a family, as a couple and as individuals. I pray for healing for all wounds big or small and the scars to be as faint as the memory is becoming. I have faith in the renewed love for ourselves, each other, and the family we have been placed in. We have a long road ahead of us but I need to remain focused on WHO is in charge of this life I lead. If I continue to do that, we WILL succeed.

With all that....here is a small list of what I want to accomplish because well, I don't believe in resolutions. I believe in simply reevaluating my life and making a plan for my year. Is that the same thing?? Perhaps...ha!!

In 2013 I want to....

• Be better at having my "quiet time" every day.
• Get a 4.0 each semester.
• Run a half marathon.
• Do at least 2 triathlons again.
• Have more play dates with Katelyn.
• Read more books.
• Go on a vacation.
• Be better at sticking to our budget.
• Have friends over on a regular basis.
• Mend broken relationships.
• Get my house organized.

That's about all I can think of right now. What is your plan for this year?

A quick-or not-2011/12 wrap up.

Where to begin....

Its been almost 2 years since I've blogged last. That, is sad. What's even more sad is the fact that I couldn't remember my log in info to GET to this blog. But, with everything that's happened these last 2 years...it's not surprising. In the interest of time, I'll bullet point these last few years and perhaps elaborate on a later date. I WANT to start doing better at blogging or journaling so I'll start with this and see if it sticks.

so...2011

• We moved to be closer to C's job and bought a gorgeous house here in M-town.
• We moved close to an amazing elementary school with a heaven sent kindergarten teacher.
• June 2011-C left. Our hearts broken and a new life begins.
• I lost several friends in the process. Icing on the cake.
• August 2011-I got a full time job for the first time since I got married in 2003.
• K starts school and her teacher is just, well, terrible. And by terrible, I mean the I'm a lazy teacher who sees a kid who needs a little bit of extra help and labels her terrible. Poor kid had no chance her first grade year. 
• Divorce is finalized on November 22, 2011. Never thought I'd see that day. 

Enter 2012

• The new year brought hope of our new life that I was attempting to embrace.
• C started coming around a lot more....yet I still refused to allow him "in".
• I saw in him a changed man....but I still wasn't wanting to admit it. I dug my feet in and told God I didn't want to see all this. I had just gotten comfortable (like that's REALLY true!) with being single and a single mom and this new "life".
• But, much to my chagrin, the Lord had another thing in mind....and I ultimately knew it. 
• In late February, I said yet another prayer and took a leap of faith that allowed C back into our lives in a real way. 
• February 23, we officially started dating again.
• March, I left my full time job to be around for K more because of her struggles emotionally and at school. Best. Decision. Ever. She turned around within weeks of me being around more. When we follow His will, even when it seems like an impossible way, we have an amazing sense of peace.
• I started working part-time at a local retail chain "that shall remain nameless".
• May- a turning point in our relationship. He moved back in with us and that brought out a lot of emotions for me that I needed to deal with...and consequently, did.
• K struggled with trusting her daddy again so that brought a whole other set of issues for all of us. 
• I started training for a triathlon.
• Competed in 2 triathlons!  
• Joined a "marriage" class at our church that was life changing.
• I started back to school in August.
• K started 2nd grade and got THE BEST TEACHER EVER!!! This is not an understatement. Ms. M has turned K's way of learning around and she now actually ENJOYS to learn. It's been such a blessing to have her in that class.
• "Celebrated" where God has brought us on November 22. A year after our divorce, we were running the Houston Turkey Trot...together. (Well, I ran ahead of him...haha!!) It was our way of starting a new tradition, new memories, healing old wounds and allowing hope in. It was a wonderful day.

And so here we are. Present day. And as I look over these bullet points I see my life written in such a simple way. Yet, there are so many gaps, so many holes, so much pain, heartache, loss and hurt left out. But what I get most out of those points, what inspires me the most, is that I see all that went on, all that hurt, pain etc, and I see nothing but hope. Hope that keeps me going and my belief that all of this serves a greater purpose and will in the end impact others in a profound way continues to grow. I truly get excited for all that lies before us and that promise that God whispered to me in my darkest of days is slowly being groomed to come to pass.

We have come a long way since those days of despair that we used to call our "marriage". C has grown in ways I can't express, I have grown and allowed God to show me things I was too stubborn to see before. K has just blossomed and I could not be more proud of that little girl. She has an amazing heart of gold and is so incredibly selfless. I hope that I can get her to see the beauty that she is and have confidence in that. She is such a gift.

A small snippet into my last 2 years...and maybe, just maybe I will expound on it all a little bit later.

Vague yet directed

I'm the worst blogger.....but trust me I have sat down numerous times to start a post and i come up with....nadda, zip, zero, zilch. Yet, there has been an abundance of things going on in my mind. So much so that I can't shut my mind off at night and so much so that I have lost almost 10 pounds in the last 4 days. Yea...I'm a tiny girl to begin with...those pounds aren't good to loose. I now weigh less than I did before we got married....yikes. Cheeseburgers here I come!

I wish I had a better way with words. I wish I could even put into words the things that have been racing through my mind and heart and soul. Yet maybe, its best I don't. Maybe I should just focus on the outcome of all those thoughts.

At the center of it all is God. His loving warm embrace that never fails to amaze me. The fact that no matter how bleak a situation may feel, when we lay everything at the alter, He takes it and makes it new. So i am going to take this newness and run with it. Slowly of course but with still embracing it with the faith to move that mountain. Taking it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. I am going to wake up every day with a positive outlook and an open mind to hear and see what He wants for my life that day. Its taken me a long time to finally BELIEVE what I have been hearing is the TRUTH. I allow myself to be sucked into the negative of the untruth. But no more. No more lies will be allowed into my life. It will be a daily laying down. A daily "death" if you will and a daily new life that brings me hope. Hope that the day will bring much deserved happiness for me and my family.

A lot of rambling and vague talk, but details aren't important. What's past is past and I am thinking of today and today only. I am thankful for the ongoing journey and where He may take us next. The saying is true, but time does heal all wounds....if we allow Him to be in control of that time.

I hope your days are good and your future is unexpected!

Where's the CHRIST in Christmas?

I'm gonna be pretty honest here. It's not every day that I am honest....wait. just kidding! But seriously...this has been weighing on me lately and I don't know what to do about it.

Since last year, I have been wondering something. Where has the Christ in CHRISTmas gone? I mean as the saying goes, "Jesus is the reason for the season" but honestly, I don't see that attitude out there in the world. I see the "gimme gimme gimme" attitudes of people and the "look how much I can afford (or not afford for most) for christmas this year." Then there's Santa. Albeit a fun holiday tradition that either elicits sheer terror as captured by many a camera or allows children to think there are little flying deer flying around dropping a 250 pound man down chimneys. I am ALL for imagination. I LOVE creating fun worlds with K and exploring those worlds with her. Yet, somehow, I find it rather hard to play into this character while the "reason for the season" has nothing whatsoever to do with a man in a red suit carrying presents for us all to open and discard so easily.

I know I may sound like a scrooge but for some reason this year has been different. I go out into public, and everywhere I go, I get rude people angrily driving around like their house is on fire and they have to get there like two minutes ago. When walking around stores I find rude employees who won't even look you in the eye and even more hurried, stressed, non friendly eyed people hastily shopping for that "perfect" gift. Since when did Jesus need a Nintendo DS? I mean really? Aren't we supposed to be celebrating HIS birth and what that means?

HE has already given me the absolute most amazing gift I could ever ask for. The giving of massive amounts of gifts on what may or may not truly be His birthday just seems so trivial to me these days. This season should be one of happiness, joy, and humble celebration for the amazing person that we get to love and worship on a daily basis. I think the question we should be asking is, what gift does HE want? What does Christ want from us because quite frankly, there is nothing I can ever do to repay His amazing gift of life and going into debt buying things for other people isn't a step in the right direction.

I'm just not sure spending hundreds of dollars on mindless gifts and feeling guilty for spending too much is a proper way for us to be celebrating His birthday. And honestly, I'm not sure what we ARE supposed to be doing.

But, that's just my little opinion.

blog funk

I have opened my blogger several times this past week and just stared at it. I don't really have much to say and what i have to say most likely can't be written on here.....these intranets have eyes! hahaha! sorry.

what's been going on?? well, ive been busy trying to drum up some photo business all the while keeping my house clean for showings, studying for finals next week, homeschooling katelyn, shopping for christmas, getting a workout in, and packing for our january move. I think I need to start taking speed so I don't need sleep. that way i can get loads done! haha!
I'm just boring and blah today.

contemplative

I'm currently composing a tell all about a friendship that went south this past september. it sucks when any relationship ends. this one in particular bothers me a lot. i was accused of a lot and chose not to confront her because in doing so, i would have had to stoop to her level. i chose not to.

it just makes me think.

as I continue to clean out my house, i think sometimes God does the same with our lives. He takes the clutter out as well as those that bring the clutter. I'm thankful for that removal.

yet, why do i keep thinking about it? on a daily basis I think about this situation. the way things ended, the way she accused me of things that she wouldn't go into detail on (all via email), the way she treated me (the matron of honor in her wedding) during the wedding, the way she noticed my different behavior over the last few years but never bothered to ask me about it. had she bothered, she would have known that my marriage was crumbling, i was devastated at the loss of 4 pregnancies, and all the other details that she never really cared to ask about.

i guess that's what bothers me the most. the fact that had we really even been that good of friends, she would have asked me if everything was ok instead of judging me for my irregular behavior.

let this be a lesson to me. if something seems different, there's usually a reason.

and, those that love you and truly know you, will be there through thick and thin. not notice things then secretly ridicule you for those things that they have no clue as to the reason for their existence.

I'm more than thankful for my faithful God given friends. Those are the ones that have lasted through the cleanout.

I'm off to bed....govt test tomorrow and lots of cleaning around here afterwards. our realtor comes on wednesday to take some photos.

thanks for stoppin by!

okay okay...more mindless blogs...just cause

Four jobs I have had in my life:

Babysitter/nanny
Medical records tech
Victoria's secret sales associate
MOM

Four movies I would watch over and over:

Pride & Prejudice
13 Going on 30
Princess Bride
Dumb and Dumber

Four places I have lived:

Arlington Texas
San Antonio Texas
Great Falls Montana
Mansfield Texas

Four TV Shows that I watch: (Currently)

Private Practice
Grey's Anatomy
One Tree Hill
How's it Made
Four places I have been:

In 4 states all at once!
Washington DC
Mexico...and not the pretty part
Fargo ND

Four People who e-mail me (regularly)

My mom
Facebook notifications
yahoo homeschooling group notifications
....and ummmm noone else. sad and pathetic

Four of my favorite foods:

bread & butter
bread and butter
baked sweet potatos with lots of butter
pizzza (i'm really a healthy eater....REALLY!!!)

Four places I would rather be right now:

outta this house and in my new place
sitting next to Chris
laying in my bed
out of debt

Four things I am looking forward to in the next year:

Exploring my new town with Katelyn
going on a vacation with just my man...its never happened in our 8 years of marriage.
swimming in our awesome pool at our new apartment complex!!
maybe training with a new friend for a triathelon


Four top books I've read the past year:

I don't remember any of them....
well if you count all the kids books I've read...


Four favorite songs:

Secrets by OneRepublic
Breathe Again by Sara Bareilles
Let the Drummer Kick by Citizen Cope
Regret by Glow


Four things you like about yourself:
(This otta be good cause I'm pretty hard on myself)

I'm loyal (to a fault my mother always says)
A good cook ("The bestest cooker i've ever had!!!"-Katelyn)
ummmmm i have a six pack. :) like for real. :) and i like that.
......that's all i can think of right now.....



OKAY!! I need to get to bed...I'm headed to the gym early in the am cause its the only time I will be able to get a workout in tomorrow. I'm excited just not about the hour....I workout best in the evening. But, I'll be there and will be doing something rather than nothing at home!

Hope all is well in your world! Thanks for stoppin by!