Am I enough

I was sitting on the couch earlier today checkin my facebook (on my new and wonderful laptop!!) with Katelyn playing on the coffee table with her small animals. She loves animals! She is so cute makin them talk and have personalities and everything. Super cute!

I had been watching TLC mornings where there are baby stories, adoption stories etc. and just had it on in the back round at this point. The show playing was Adoption Story. This particular story was a family who had 2 special needs kids they had adopted and were wanting more....there's more to the story but I wasn't really watching. The couple were talking about how they weren't satisfied with just one child; they wanted more. They would be happy with more children.

As I was sitting on the couch, Katelyn being all cute with her little animals turns around ever so sweetly and asks me, "Are you a happy with just one"?

Stop me cold in my tracks.

My precious sweet miracle asking me is she was enough. If just her, my only one was good enough. I don't think she will ever know just how happy I am with "just one".

I am so thankful for the journey I have been on with all the pregnancy loss/miscarriage. It has changed me forever and brought me even closer to my Lord and Savior and for that, how could I not rejoice? I am also thankful that I have not been one to overly dwell on the loss. I am thankful that my outlook has been one of love and learning instead of pity and "whoa is me". I don't dwell on the if I am to have another child and we are content being where we are right now. It hasn't been an easy journey I'll admit, but today, this day and for the few previous years I am more than happy with our "just one". I am nlot saying this to be prideful. I say this because it hit me like a ton of bricks. My happyness with "just one" not only affects me and my husband, but Katelyn is profoundly affected by our situation as well. It was today that realized just how amazing all of this is. And today, when my one was asking if she was good enough, I got to honestly answer, "I am more than happy with just one." And I meant it with all of my heart.

I'm a little bit humbled by such an innocent little (gigantic) question.

Honesty

Well, I deleted my last post because well, I am not quite sure. Just did.

But the jest of the situation is, I get addicted to exercise and not for exercise sake. For the mirror's sake and how it makes me look after running and exercising. So, in all my seeking to be a better person in God's eyes, I have asked Him to direct my exercise and I have asked Him to be the judge on what the mirror says or does not truly say to me. I've never been one to think too highly of myself or my appearance so for now, I just want to see myself the way God sees me. We're still workin on it! One day I hope to. One day.

For now, my first step is to exercise. Exercise so that I can be healthy. Exercise so that I can enjoy working my body the way it was intended...cause Lord knows I LOVE to run and my body seems to know what its doin. (thanks daddy for these skoootin legs!) I am excited to be running again and I look forward to my new journey!!

So now that that's all said...I went running tonight with the girls! Super fun!! I have forgotten how fun it is to run with someone and actually TALK!! I love my quiet time with God and my music but a running partner adds so much to my run. And we did pretty good for our first run. It wasn't too too cold either. We are planning to meet up once a week and run together and run the other times at home. I am looking forward to our weekly runs and fellowship with the girls!

Now, we just need to find a 5k that is in the near future....any ideas anyone? And come join us!!!

He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver

I copied this from a friend's blog and it spoke so dearly to my heart. Thanks Krystal for sharing this with us.




Malachi 3:3 says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study. That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.."

She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the
silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it."

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has His eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you. Pass this on right now. This very moment, someone needs to know that God is watching over them, and whatever they're going through, they'll be a better person in the end.

"A friend is one who strengthens you with prayers, blesses you with love, and encourages you with hope."

Lessons

Often times I need a huge smack in the face. Sometimes literal, but most often just a figurative thing. As is today.

I have been praying that the Lord continue to show me the things that I need to change about myself. Good, bad, or indifferent. Just the things in my life that are not pleasing in His eyes.

Careful, He does always answer prayer.

To make a long drawn out boring self centered story short, let's just say, my issues as of late were a huge eye opening experience. One that allowed me to see ME how I have been. The ugly side. The hypochondriac side. The side that is relying on the world around me and NOT my Heavenly Father. Worry, doubt, disbelief....not matter how small or how its "used" was and is displeasing to Him.

"Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. " Isaiah 41:10

Let this be my motto. Let this always be in the forefront of my mind. Fear is not of the Lord...and if it's not of Him, I don't want it.

Normal

Thank you to everyone who sent their prayers and good thoughts my way about the other day. I went to the doc today and found out nothing. What happened is simply the way my body ovulates...REALLY! The only way to get rid of the monthly pain is to take birth control, and quite frankly, I don't do birth control. For many reasons really but the main one is that I love my husband and when I am on birth control....well, I want to kill him or myself or anyone that comes near me. Other times my acne rears its ugly head (no pun intended) and then others, well, you don't need to know the side effects of those. Let's just say I don't fare well on the stuff and to be perfectly honest, my track record with pregnancies and the like has been pretty much what God wanted when He wanted it. SOOOOOO with that said, my body is out of my control. Lord willing I will have another baby, but if I don't, it will be because He chose it and I wasn't the one controlling the situation. Either way, I rejoice in knowing that He is the one in control!!

And that's my story.

Thanksgiving thoughts and concerns

So, here I sit on Thanksgiving evening. Chris is off at work, Katelyn is fast asleep and Laura is out enjoying a thanksgiving movie with her boyfriend Crash. I sit as I always do on the couch watching tv. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe is my choice tonight. I love this movie. It always reminds me to be soooo thankful for what our Lord and Savior did for us. What a sacrifice and one that is beyond comprehension most days. I mean really. It brings me to tears every time I let my brain wrap around the idea of what the Lord did for me, for us, for those that call Him King.

So what are you thankful for this day?

The list is broad and wide for me. But here are just a few:

-My Lord and Savior. Without Him...well, let's just not think about that.
-My amazing husband. All of our struggles and all of our heartache have just made me love him even more. He is the absolute best father to our little girl, he is an amazingly hard worker, devoted and loyal, so completely loving and my absolute best friend. How did I ever get so lucky?? Did I mention completely sexy to boot?! ;o)
-My beautiful and gregarious daughter. She is growing into an even sweeter girl each and every day. Her heart is so big and precious and I am thankful for that.
-My wonderful family. They always make me smile!
-This roof over our heads. Although it comes at a small humbling cost, it is home.
-The most amazing friends a girl could ask for. I love each one of you and count you as my sisters!
-The great opportunity to go back to school. This has been on my heart to do for a very long while and with His help, I will succeed and accomplish this goal He has set before me.

There is so much more I have to be thankful for but this is what's on my heart as of right now.



With all that I am thankful for, I still wonder at times about the things in life which we cannot change. I wouldn't bring this up on such a "thankful" day but there is a reason for my train of thought. You see, as we speak, I am sitting here on my couch in pain. Pain that I am not quite sure why it's here. This is not a foreign pain to me. In fact, it is one that I am all too familiar with. It has just come in different ways for me over the years. In 2004, it meant my first laproscopic procedure to remove ectopic number 1; in 2006 it meant my second lap procedure to remove ectopic number 2 and removal of my ruptured fallopian tube; in 2007 it meant 22 staples to remove ectopic number 3 on one remaining "good tube" and with that, a tremendously hard recovery; and in 2009 (january) it meant a miscarriage and ruptured ovarian cyst.

No I am not pregnant. No I am not having another ectopic pregnancy. HPT reveals quite the opposite. But what IS happening is not clear. All my self diagnosing research is telling me that I could be experiencing another ovarian cyst. The pain is tolerable, as I seem to have an incredible pain tolerance, so therefore I will not be heading to the ER again. I am not experiencing any abnormal bleeding (sorry for those that don't like TMI) so again no need for ER visit. But what IS in my immediate future is a nice little trip to exposing myself house of fun-MD. The wonderful Dr. Atkins. If it is a cyst and it hasn't ruptured, then I guess my body will just absorb it. If it has ruptured, then I guess my body will have to absorb it as well. I really don't know but honestly, and this is why its so much on my mind right now, I just really would like to NOT have female issues. We've been married since 2003 and starting in 2004, I have been to the hospital once a year having surgery except for 2008. Tiring....YES! Although I have come to terms will all the loss we have had, I still have the questions. Right or wrong they are still there.

-What is the purpose of all this?
-Is there an end in sight to all the "issues" I seem to have?
-What am I supposed to learn from all that has gone on? Cause if I had learned the lesson, wouldn't the "issues" be gone?
-Bring it on Lord if there is more for me to learn...speak and I will listen. Or is this my cross to bear?

All these questions, all this pain, I'm really just tired. Plain and simple. Tired and ready to move on.

what you see when walking....

Something weird happened to me the other day.

I went on a walk. A long walk on my cross training day. As I was walking down this one street, I came up on the street in our neighborhood where there is an assisted living home. I honestly have never seen anyone go in or out but its there. I was walking listening to Meredith Andrews or Addison Road (can't remember which but those are my two favs right now so I know I was listening to either of them!) when I looked up to see a sweet elderly couple out for a walk. The woman was dressed in a light pink pants and shirt and had beautiful white hair styled the way you would expect a woman of her age to style it. I laughed. The man had on khaki shorts and a blue shirt with a full head of white hair. I laughed again. It made me smile to think about how we never really get old...boys will always wear blue and girls will always love pink! I then thought about my grandmother and how much she too loves pink to this day and wondered how far back that color went with her and her love of it. Will I too wear the colors I love today when I am the age this woman was?

As I walked on I just watched this sweet couple. Their speed was expected and I smiled at the way they held one another hands. So sweet so innocent yet so natural and cute. Her little purse swinging on her right shoulder waiting to get to CVS. As they turned onto the drive to get to the parking lot, I was taken aback. To most it may have not been any big deal...an old couple taking their sweet time to get anywhere. But when that husband reached across his wife's back and gently yet so ever lovingly directed her to the inside of the walkway, the side closest to the grass and away from any traffic that may enter the drive, I almost stopped in my tracks. Such a simple act showing love and care, protection and concern. This act was done with such grace and habit that I felt like I was getting a glimpse into a sweet couple's intimate rituals.

Then.....I started to cry. Yes that's right...cry. Just a few small tears but my eyes welled up nonetheless.

You see, as I was watching this couple, I was reminded of my dear husband. The man who loves me through it all. The man who when I am old and "pink" will be right there by my side directing me away from traffic putting himself at risk to protect me still. I know he will do this because, you see, he does this now and always has. He has always done this ever since I have known him and I love that about him. His way of protecting me even when I didn't think I needed it. It made me think about what we will be like when we get old and I wondered if we would look anything like the couple I was "spying" on. I laughed again and thanked God for these small little glimpses into what sweet walks I have to look forward to with my ever loving and protective white haired man in blue!