March of Tides

This time of year is the beginning of our busiest time. I absolutely LOVE this time of year but it always comes with a price. Birthdays upon birthdays upon birthdays within days of each other.

My sweet K turns 9 this year. Where the heck has time gone?!! She's growing into such a sweet young girl. And it needs to stop! Oh I am only kidding. I want her to grow up and experience life and just become the best K she can be. I'm so very proud of the girl that she is and continues to become. I hope she understands that one day.

The stressful part of all this....family. Everyone wants a piece of K and they all want to come and celebrate. No problem right? Well, the problem with our particular situation is that 2 days prior and 2 days after HER birthday are two birthdays that certain family members really could care less about. It is my responsibility to account for those birthdays in my planning. Being a planner, I start a month in advance. I try to be diplomatic and include everyone but I those oh so many other factors I am dealing with in our planning process are just that...important parts of our month/celebration. It's not as cut and dry and I would like and where I do love this time of year, dealing with and attending to possible hurt feelings and politic mumbo jumbo is starting to make me want to go away every year about this time and be gone for 5 days. That would be enough time. Presents can be mailed, facetime is oh so awesome so we can utilize that little piece of amazing technology, but...stay away and let us enjoy our birthday celebrations stress free. Selfish as it may seem...and I do get that it does seem that, it is the way my husband chooses to be in regard to the entire situation and (like I stated earlier with the 'non cut and dry aspect') I will respect him above any other human.

My goal right now is to deal with the planning, communicate our wishes and do my best to accommodate all parties but, to let the frustration and anxiety go. This is a wonderful time of year where we get to celebrate the miracle that is our daughter. I don't want anything interfering with that at all!

And to that end I bid you farewell. Well...you being the blank web space I occupy. No one reads this anyways!

Today.

I had my first exam this semester, today. I felt fairly prepared for it but with my luck, I barely passed. ONE day I'll look back and think..."Boy, that was all worth it." I sure am looking forward to that moment in time. Going back to school at my age for my UNDERGRAD has been challenging for so many different reasons. I know I'm not the oldest in my classes, but I sure feel like it most days. My motivation and drive to get all this completed is slowly gaining momentum and it's an addiciting feeling. It's nice to feel that sense of drive....I've not experienced much of that in my life. I was simply living a life of existence up until a few years ago. Now, after lots and lots of prayer and waiting and soul searching and gut wrenching revelations, I am finally hearing that answer to my question of, 'what will you  have me do in this world?', and it's rather peaceful. The ins and outs of this are not yet carved out...but the path is faint and it's lit up just for me.

Several years ago I was given a vision. Believe it or not....I feel that this vision is one sent directly from my Abba father. I had been on the floor begging and pleading (in an overwhelmingly raw and broken set of moments in a tumultuous) to see some sort of positive, some sort of reason as to why all this heartache we had been enduring on all levels of our lives was going on and continued time and time again. Knowing as I prayed and wept that I was not about to receive any real answers, I got a vision. Funny how our Father in Heaven works. When we least expect it He delivers beyond our eilsest imagination! Lesson learned and learned and learned again...my head is thick and He sure knows it. This vision came and went faster than a flash but it remains to this day. THAT vision is what has kept me going throughout these last 3 years. HIS vision is what I continually come back to time and time again as I ponder my life and what OUR purpose is here on earth not just my personal purpose. This greater purpose is not MY purpose. It is HIS. And I look forward to that light on OUR path getting brighter and brighter as that vision He planted in my head and heart comes to its glorious fruition.

Be still and KNOW that I am God.

And so, I shall. I shall wait on His timing for His is and always will be, best.

Speechless

I am a wonderful blogger. Absolutely GREAT! My once a year posts I am sure are beyond inspiring. I can just imagine the wait and anticipation for my ever ready audience to hear my next words....a YEAR later. Holy hell that's ridiculous!

Moving on...

Let's sum up 2013 in a paragraph shall we?

K finished 2nd grade and started 3rd. She succeeded in passing and has succeeded in advancing her educational career some more in the third grade. I too have advanced my education...by getting put on financial aid warning! Good times in "D" land over here. D stand for Determined to not live that semester again. C and I got engaged over the summer and married on 11-12-13! Hey, second time around...who needs the show and who has the MONEY for that kind of shindig?! Not us that's for sure. C is still lovin his job. Has a great crew and even better Sargent. He's been a happy camper about all that so that makes this LEO wife a happy camper too. I have been attempting to run more and more but my blasted IT band likes to make it difficult. Hate you IT band. Maybe one day I can overcome the pain and just run that blasted half marathon before my body totally gives out on me. Hey...I did get up to my all time farthest distance of 8 miles in 2013. I was proud. I guess.....that about sums up the highlights.

I think that writing will indeed help me become a better writer....well DUH! SO, I am going to make a concerted effort (and for me, if I make it TWICE a year that's an improvement! hahaha!) to write out my thoughts here. I write as if people are reading but who am I kidding? No one reads this blog anyways. 

Now, I am on to studying for Research Design and Analysis and Social Psychology. Both classes have tests next week and I HAVE to ace them. *Refer back to previous paragraph of FAW*

Til next year people!

2013

What will this new year bring? I am hoping that it will be exponentially better than 2012 and honestly, 2012 was one of the best ones yet. With the close of 2012, I am hopeful that the heartache that has plagued my family is that much farther behind us. I want 13 to be our lucky year. My expectations for this year are ones of hope, healing and renewal. I hope that we can grow more as a family, as a couple and as individuals. I pray for healing for all wounds big or small and the scars to be as faint as the memory is becoming. I have faith in the renewed love for ourselves, each other, and the family we have been placed in. We have a long road ahead of us but I need to remain focused on WHO is in charge of this life I lead. If I continue to do that, we WILL succeed.

With all that....here is a small list of what I want to accomplish because well, I don't believe in resolutions. I believe in simply reevaluating my life and making a plan for my year. Is that the same thing?? Perhaps...ha!!

In 2013 I want to....

• Be better at having my "quiet time" every day.
• Get a 4.0 each semester.
• Run a half marathon.
• Do at least 2 triathlons again.
• Have more play dates with Katelyn.
• Read more books.
• Go on a vacation.
• Be better at sticking to our budget.
• Have friends over on a regular basis.
• Mend broken relationships.
• Get my house organized.

That's about all I can think of right now. What is your plan for this year?

A quick-or not-2011/12 wrap up.

Where to begin....

Its been almost 2 years since I've blogged last. That, is sad. What's even more sad is the fact that I couldn't remember my log in info to GET to this blog. But, with everything that's happened these last 2 years...it's not surprising. In the interest of time, I'll bullet point these last few years and perhaps elaborate on a later date. I WANT to start doing better at blogging or journaling so I'll start with this and see if it sticks.

so...2011

• We moved to be closer to C's job and bought a gorgeous house here in M-town.
• We moved close to an amazing elementary school with a heaven sent kindergarten teacher.
• June 2011-C left. Our hearts broken and a new life begins.
• I lost several friends in the process. Icing on the cake.
• August 2011-I got a full time job for the first time since I got married in 2003.
• K starts school and her teacher is just, well, terrible. And by terrible, I mean the I'm a lazy teacher who sees a kid who needs a little bit of extra help and labels her terrible. Poor kid had no chance her first grade year. 
• Divorce is finalized on November 22, 2011. Never thought I'd see that day. 

Enter 2012

• The new year brought hope of our new life that I was attempting to embrace.
• C started coming around a lot more....yet I still refused to allow him "in".
• I saw in him a changed man....but I still wasn't wanting to admit it. I dug my feet in and told God I didn't want to see all this. I had just gotten comfortable (like that's REALLY true!) with being single and a single mom and this new "life".
• But, much to my chagrin, the Lord had another thing in mind....and I ultimately knew it. 
• In late February, I said yet another prayer and took a leap of faith that allowed C back into our lives in a real way. 
• February 23, we officially started dating again.
• March, I left my full time job to be around for K more because of her struggles emotionally and at school. Best. Decision. Ever. She turned around within weeks of me being around more. When we follow His will, even when it seems like an impossible way, we have an amazing sense of peace.
• I started working part-time at a local retail chain "that shall remain nameless".
• May- a turning point in our relationship. He moved back in with us and that brought out a lot of emotions for me that I needed to deal with...and consequently, did.
• K struggled with trusting her daddy again so that brought a whole other set of issues for all of us. 
• I started training for a triathlon.
• Competed in 2 triathlons!  
• Joined a "marriage" class at our church that was life changing.
• I started back to school in August.
• K started 2nd grade and got THE BEST TEACHER EVER!!! This is not an understatement. Ms. M has turned K's way of learning around and she now actually ENJOYS to learn. It's been such a blessing to have her in that class.
• "Celebrated" where God has brought us on November 22. A year after our divorce, we were running the Houston Turkey Trot...together. (Well, I ran ahead of him...haha!!) It was our way of starting a new tradition, new memories, healing old wounds and allowing hope in. It was a wonderful day.

And so here we are. Present day. And as I look over these bullet points I see my life written in such a simple way. Yet, there are so many gaps, so many holes, so much pain, heartache, loss and hurt left out. But what I get most out of those points, what inspires me the most, is that I see all that went on, all that hurt, pain etc, and I see nothing but hope. Hope that keeps me going and my belief that all of this serves a greater purpose and will in the end impact others in a profound way continues to grow. I truly get excited for all that lies before us and that promise that God whispered to me in my darkest of days is slowly being groomed to come to pass.

We have come a long way since those days of despair that we used to call our "marriage". C has grown in ways I can't express, I have grown and allowed God to show me things I was too stubborn to see before. K has just blossomed and I could not be more proud of that little girl. She has an amazing heart of gold and is so incredibly selfless. I hope that I can get her to see the beauty that she is and have confidence in that. She is such a gift.

A small snippet into my last 2 years...and maybe, just maybe I will expound on it all a little bit later.

Vague yet directed

I'm the worst blogger.....but trust me I have sat down numerous times to start a post and i come up with....nadda, zip, zero, zilch. Yet, there has been an abundance of things going on in my mind. So much so that I can't shut my mind off at night and so much so that I have lost almost 10 pounds in the last 4 days. Yea...I'm a tiny girl to begin with...those pounds aren't good to loose. I now weigh less than I did before we got married....yikes. Cheeseburgers here I come!

I wish I had a better way with words. I wish I could even put into words the things that have been racing through my mind and heart and soul. Yet maybe, its best I don't. Maybe I should just focus on the outcome of all those thoughts.

At the center of it all is God. His loving warm embrace that never fails to amaze me. The fact that no matter how bleak a situation may feel, when we lay everything at the alter, He takes it and makes it new. So i am going to take this newness and run with it. Slowly of course but with still embracing it with the faith to move that mountain. Taking it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. I am going to wake up every day with a positive outlook and an open mind to hear and see what He wants for my life that day. Its taken me a long time to finally BELIEVE what I have been hearing is the TRUTH. I allow myself to be sucked into the negative of the untruth. But no more. No more lies will be allowed into my life. It will be a daily laying down. A daily "death" if you will and a daily new life that brings me hope. Hope that the day will bring much deserved happiness for me and my family.

A lot of rambling and vague talk, but details aren't important. What's past is past and I am thinking of today and today only. I am thankful for the ongoing journey and where He may take us next. The saying is true, but time does heal all wounds....if we allow Him to be in control of that time.

I hope your days are good and your future is unexpected!

Where's the CHRIST in Christmas?

I'm gonna be pretty honest here. It's not every day that I am honest....wait. just kidding! But seriously...this has been weighing on me lately and I don't know what to do about it.

Since last year, I have been wondering something. Where has the Christ in CHRISTmas gone? I mean as the saying goes, "Jesus is the reason for the season" but honestly, I don't see that attitude out there in the world. I see the "gimme gimme gimme" attitudes of people and the "look how much I can afford (or not afford for most) for christmas this year." Then there's Santa. Albeit a fun holiday tradition that either elicits sheer terror as captured by many a camera or allows children to think there are little flying deer flying around dropping a 250 pound man down chimneys. I am ALL for imagination. I LOVE creating fun worlds with K and exploring those worlds with her. Yet, somehow, I find it rather hard to play into this character while the "reason for the season" has nothing whatsoever to do with a man in a red suit carrying presents for us all to open and discard so easily.

I know I may sound like a scrooge but for some reason this year has been different. I go out into public, and everywhere I go, I get rude people angrily driving around like their house is on fire and they have to get there like two minutes ago. When walking around stores I find rude employees who won't even look you in the eye and even more hurried, stressed, non friendly eyed people hastily shopping for that "perfect" gift. Since when did Jesus need a Nintendo DS? I mean really? Aren't we supposed to be celebrating HIS birth and what that means?

HE has already given me the absolute most amazing gift I could ever ask for. The giving of massive amounts of gifts on what may or may not truly be His birthday just seems so trivial to me these days. This season should be one of happiness, joy, and humble celebration for the amazing person that we get to love and worship on a daily basis. I think the question we should be asking is, what gift does HE want? What does Christ want from us because quite frankly, there is nothing I can ever do to repay His amazing gift of life and going into debt buying things for other people isn't a step in the right direction.

I'm just not sure spending hundreds of dollars on mindless gifts and feeling guilty for spending too much is a proper way for us to be celebrating His birthday. And honestly, I'm not sure what we ARE supposed to be doing.

But, that's just my little opinion.